whimpers of a sometime-insomiac

how difficult is it to be girl? you can see traces down history how women were held down and not able to reach their full potential because of "gender limits".

times have changed, indeed. now, you cannot deny that women rock whatever field they choose to be in (read: we even get to choose! unlike before, ladies are always told and must follow what's "good" for them). i still have one thing in mind, though. in the courtship department : do women get to be in the same level as men? should we still speak of what's proper and acceptable by society? or do we simply follow our heart and act according to how we really feel?

are we allowed now to take the first step? is it okay if we tell the other person how we feel or just play things by ear? you know, just the old, conservative way of things - not a word until the guy makes the move. i think it's not society that has a problem with these things. it's just the way one was brought up that would always get in the way of their actions. it's what is acceptable by the principles and the culture that you have. and at the same time, if you grew up being the nice girl everyone is so proud of, the girl who always followed the rules and made the old folks happy - then it would be quite difficult moving out of the conservative aura you have been inside of for the last 3 decades.

okay, i'm being too deep about this. i was just simply thinking - i suspect you already know that i would always look at you (secretly! i tried my best to not be so obvious!) when we run into each other in the pantry. i have a faint hope that if we see each other somewhere, you will recognize me and say, "hey". i do dream about you - more frequent this past week. i always want to know if you made it to work, and if not, i'll be forever anxious and uneasy until i find you online (this is stalking, i know... i'm sorry..) i cannot count how may times my fingers itched to send you an email or hit that Add button in your pofile. but i think i know what's holding me back.. it's not being conventional or shy... i dont think i'm ready to be rejected by the only one i seriously ever hoped to be the one i share my life with...

after a stressful day

with office time finally over, i was on my way to one of my favorite places in the world - Ortigas Center. :)

I met my good friend Nathalie, then proceeded to Malayan lounge to catch AI results night. Bad news was, there was a disco party upstairs and we can barely hear the TV :'( Our initial plan was to have coffee, linger over it as we always do. It's always just SB or CBTL for us. But last night, we went to a pasta place in Ortigas Park (unfortunately, my failing memory strikes once again and i can't remember the name). Natz and I are being extra good these past days, and would regularly have Caesar's salad over our usual pasta/pizza/coffee combo.

I took pictures of the food (yummy!) although I rather imagined a bigger slab of fish for our dig... But it was still good, especially if shared over a nice conversation between two friends who missed seeing each other sooooooo much! (yeah, and btw, we just had dinner the night before with our office friends! haha!)

a much better Wednesday

First of all, my meat penne was a success! Second, i came into the office, my friend approached me to ask if i wanted to take a customer's call. Instinctively, I realized what she was trying to say :)) It was him! The person that went "missing" yesterday is back!!! :) as you can see, i can't stop smiling :))
Though in the work-department, nothing has really improved or even changed a teeny weeny bit, one thought kept me moving. He's still there. :)) 
and yeah, i'm certainly going crazy :))

My Tuesday Report

Tuesday. It was so difficult dragging myself out of bed this morning. I got up at 6.30am, 2 hours later than usual, but i paced with no hint of hurry. I took my sweet time sipping coffee and taking a bath afterwards. I left the house at around 8am, an hour later than i should. Again, no urgency felt. It's like my mind was adrift elsewhere, to where i don't know.

I was lucky to arrive in the office 2 minutes before the start of my shift. Heaven is being forgiving :) My friend was already there. We suddenly began talking about our plans. We're just a month old in the office (we were outsourced). But all the gut feel i had when i first met the people i'm to work with are sadly true. My hunches are not nice, that's why i kept them to myself. I didn't want to rant in front of my team and spread negativity. I wanted all of us to try and give change a chance. But you know how it feels like to be working your a*s off and still it seems like there is NOTHING being appreciated and actually noticed? It's not a nice thing - but this early I'm feeling this and so does my friend (out goes my theory that i'm still bitter over the business move that kicked me out of my 1st company). WORK DEPARTMENT: FAILing

On other news, I have this crush (ewwww... so highschool!!!). I have developed this scary habit of searching for him ever morning when i log in and then a few more times within the day. i was able to find him yesterday, but he was late. Shift was 10am but he came in 10.30am (okay, you can freak out. but i have done nothing else, i promise! making sure he's in the office is the worst!) Today, i was waiting for him as usual. But when i searched, i couldn't find his name *gasp*. I swear, i got worried. I'm still worried. I have a partner in crime - Nathalie, who contacted me in the afternoon to tell me she couldn't find his name and she thinks he's resigned :'( I felt numb (promise, this is really weird). It was like the only think link that binds us was purposely snatched. I couldn't work even more after that. Where could he be? What happened to him? I can only wish he was not terminated... What would happen to our future is he keeps on switching jobs??? Chos! hahaha! Great, im really turning into a madwoman! HEART DEPARTMENT: FALLing

Rainy days and Sundays always get me down

Talking to myself and feeling old. Sometimes, I'd like to quit, nothing ever seems to fit. Running around, nothing to do but frown. Rainy days and Sundays always get me down.

let me borrow the lines (and change one word) from one of my favorite singers - Miss Carpenter. Sundays... I used to love this day years before. It's cartoon-all-I-want-day. But now, it's only known to me as your-weekend-is-almost-over-day :'(

And now, to make it worse, it started raining!!! Old music plays from the radio, the only vice my parents have that i surprisingly enjoy. So for the rest of this day, i'll just feast my ears on some lovely (though really, really old) tunes, a cup of coffee beside me and a stack of books that i have started reading years,months,days ago. :-)) maybe it's time my little procrastinating self finish Pride and Prejudice so i can start with Mr. Darcy's Diary.

So, okay, for now - i will let the rain sing with my pensive mood on this 3rd your-weekend-is-almost-over-day.

moving out seemed good... until now...

Since there was nothing i could do about it, i left 24F Wynsum Corportae Plaza in Ortigas Center. On February 14, i was not only spending Valentine's as a single lady, i was "alone" in my new office.
Mckinley is a nice place, this i cannot deny. But Ortigas, my home of 8 years, will always be the most beautiful place to go to work to.  <*tears*>
The first weeks, it was adjustments all over - the long commute, the new place, the people, the ambiance in the office. Everything looked odd to me. As days go by though, I realized that the trip seemed shorter going to Taguig than to Ortigas (To where if i left the house by 7.30am, i'll arrive by 9.30am!). For someone still in denial and resistance of the change, this is a really good thing.
I don't really judge people, but I do get this first-impression-register stacked behind my mind. And sometimes, my impressions are correct (and this brings me dismay most of the time). I think it's because of these that I end up expecting - which leaves me beat in the end. More often than not, expectations are not met.
This early, there are some things you discover that are not acceptable - based on values and principles. This is natural, crooked policies are everywhere. But what's surprising here is how people in position can just look beyond "tampering" and orders you to write something to make "tampering" a legal and standard SOP. >_<
But I'm not giving up this early. I can't just stand aside and let this happen. We'll see...